Do you proactively create your sexual life? Or do wait to see what life hands you? To use a food metaphor – do you look at recipes, shop for ingredients, then enjoy the creation and consumption of a meal you really fancy? Or do you wait for the doorbell to ring at a random time and accept whatever the UberEats driver hands you?
So many people I speak to take the latter approach, and then wonder why they feel so hungry…
If you want to get more intentional around creating a satisfying sex life, here’s a self-coaching exercise for you.
Have a think about what positive emotions good sex typically brings you. Of course it can bring us neutral and negative emotions too, but we are going to be led by the positives in this exercise, so focus on those. Write down those positive emotions.
Then think: when are these are most likely to occur? You can recollect some specific experiences, if your mind works that way, or just think generally. Are there things such experiences have in common? Are there factors always in place, when these positive emotions occur?
It could be anything from being with a particular person (or being alone), feeling a certain way about yourself, being in a certain situation (on holiday, in a one-night-stand, in daylight not darkness…), or certain things happening or not happening physically. Think expansively abut what's true for you. Again, write this all down.
You’ve now identified a few factors common to your good sexual experiences. When these things are in place, you’re more likely to experience positive emotions from sex. So, now think about how you can deliberately bring some of those factors into your sexual life. For example:
If you’ve realised sex in the daytime is best for you, schedule weekend ‘siestas’ (this weekend, maybe?!)
If it’s best on holiday, how can you create a holiday vibe at home with scents, music and clothes? Or book a holiday?!
Maybe, like me, you have your best times just after the successful completion of a major project or test… When’s the next thing like that coming up? Can you make sure you’ve got a couple of hours free that evening?
Or maybe you realise it's the times when your partner has been uncharacteristically dominant. Have you ever expressed how much that ‘works’ for you? If not, now’s the time to tell them.
You will have your own list, of course. Get creative if some are things which can’t practically happen all that often. Employ fantasy and imagination if necessary.
Finally, choose the simplest one to three actions, and make a plan to incorporate one of those the next time you play.
Well done, you're actively creating a more joyful sex life!
If it feels strange to think about your sex life in such a structured way, ask yourself why. Do you believe good sex should simply 'happen' without any effort? Would you apply that approach to any other area of your life - especially one which blends such a complex mix of emotional, physical, psychological, relational and possibly spiritual elements?
As an educator and coach, I see again and again how even a little supported self-enquiry can result in huge positive changes in this area.
Wishing you a wonderful time planning how to put your realisations into practice.
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