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  • Writer's pictureRuth Ramsay

Be a better lover to yourself

When we think of what 'being good in bed' means, we can focus almost entirely on what we might do to another person. But how we treat ourselves is even more important.

We know all our body’s most deliciously sensitive spots… Our most secret longings and fantasies… We know whether we want touch faster, slower, harder, softer… And we are always available when we want us. But we are not always a good lover to ourselves.

A good lover is non-judgemental and NEVER rushes or criticises. A good lover is authentic – you don’t need to wonder whether they are faking it…

Do you treat yourself in that way? Or do you find yourself thinking “I bet my stomach looks awful from this angle… Their ex was probably much more adventurous than me… I’m taking too long to cum, again… It’s not going to happen, time to fake it so they don’t ask me what's wrong.”

If you identify with that – how can you be a better lover to yourself? What do you need, which you can provide yourself if you prioritise it enough?

The most common answer I get to this question isn’t directly sexual. It’s “I need more me-time; more alone-time” - and when a client says this they seldom literally mean more time (though sometimes that's the case!). It's about having time and space to just 'be', free of demands and of titles such as 'spouse', 'parents' etc. A client recently told me “If I had more me-time, I would have more energy to bring to us-time.” If this is you, how can you create a bit of protected me-time this weekend?

Other ways you could be a better lover to yourself:

  • Explore your own body as if it were the first time. When did you last touch yourself sexually, not on your genitals? When did you last stroke the back of your knees… Behind your ears… Your forearms? A great lover doesn’t go straight for the genitals!

  • Do you love a clean, tidy bedroom? Make it a habit to keep it nice. If your bedding is a bit shabby, then if possible invest in a good quality new set.

  • Ask yourself some tough questions and listen to your answers (a good lover is skilled in listening). What do you want more of or less of in bed? What most often goes through your head that you don’t say out loud? What would you happily never ever do again? What’s your biggest unfulfilled desire?

  • That sex toy you bought in a moment of adventurousness then never got out of the box? Give yourself some time to try it out!

What other ways come to mind for you?

Creating a strong positive sexual connection with our own selves, enables us to be more authentic in bed. From that place we experience more pleasure ourselves and also are a better lover to others. So much of what can ‘go wrong’ is generated in our own heads (and where it is someone else’s ‘fault’, we are more able to gently educate if we have a strong connection with ourselves).

In my presentation How To Please A Woman In Bed [available via this link], I share a slide called ‘What Goes Wrong For Her’. It’s a list of a dozen or so things that can be going through a woman’s head, stopping her achieving peak pleasure, that actually have nothing to do with her lover’s skill or otherwise. In the presentation I share advice and tips on how as a partner, we can help her to switch off those thoughts. But if she has already manged to – if she’s has a foundation as her own best lover – she’s in a place to appreciate and enjoy a partner’s attention in bed.

This applies to all of us, whatever our gender. Let’s spend some time seeking to understand ourselves and how to please ourselves, in the broadest possible sense. Then we can simultaneously be the best lover possible to ourselves, and to a partner. How cool is that?

Hsnd massaging own back

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