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The Power Of Positivity

Working with what's working!

Positivity is so important when looking to improve our sex lives. As a coach I work with people who are ready and able to move forward, and I find an approach of “what’s already working, what are the opportunities here, what could go right?” is hugely beneficial.

I realise some people aren’t able to be positive yet, because of past trauma that needs to be resolved with therapy or counselling. Feeling truly able to feel positive is an important marker in the healing journey to become ready for coaching.

Positivity is especially important for people in population groups who are given negative messages about their sex lives. This includes midlife women. So I was delighted when The i newspaper said 'yes' to my pitch to write a piece about sex and midlife, and requested: 'Any upsides? Be good to have a bit of positivity in there too, if possible.' I was going to give a positive spin anyway, as that’s my vibe, but it was great to have this encouragement!

I sent out a request in my newsletter 'Something For The Weekend' for women having epic midlife sex who’d be willing to tell me about it, and several readers replied. The stories I heard led to me making the entire piece about the opportunities and joys at this age… and the paper used it not only online (where it was the second-most-read subscriber article of the week) but as a full double-page spread in print.

Hooray! I hope it inspires many readers to rethink the negative narrative midlife women are given. If you have an i online subscription, you can read it here:

I have also delivered the midlife positivity message on a recent Postcards From Midlife podcast. I am surprised and proud at how ‘out there’ the conversation went, covering kink, bi-curiosity and sex work, as well as the usual topics of bodily changes, mindset reframes and communication. Listen here:

This positivity message is also a transformational one for people who are transgender. Rather than dwelling solely on the issues and problems, Lucie Fielding in her epic book Trans Sex also presents the opportunities that exist in this scenario. These include ‘re-imagining’ the body and what pleasure different areas can give us. “Who says a penis has to be bobbed and a clitoris has to be swirled?” she writes, referring to the typical styles of stimulation we’d give these areas.

When we get rid of everything we’ve been ‘taught’ and approach our bodies afresh, we have the opportunity to discover whole new landscapes of pleasure. Imagine you were a pleasure-seeking spirit who’d never experienced a physical body, and you were suddenly dropped into yours now – alone in a bedroom with no instruction manual. How might you play with yourself, what areas might you explore, what delights might you find, which in your real life you are currently missing out on?

When I first read Fielding’s suggestion of ‘re-imagining’ it caused quite a revolution in my own approach to sex. If it does the same for you, I hope you have as much fun with it as I did…


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