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  • Writer's pictureRuth Ramsay

Let's Talk About Sex (And Not Only With Our Lovers!)

When you have a bright idea about sex, do you share it? How about if you had a bright idea about music, or cooking, or your work, or celebrating the holiday season?

Flashes of inspiration may come from this blog (I hope!), something you see on TV, your own experiences… but I’ll bet you seldom or never share them, unlike ideas around other topics.

Why don't we share more? There’s the embarrassment we might feel, but there is also concern about how it might land with our listener. I find this is common among my community, who typically aren’t so embarrassed around the topic of sex; but they worry that when the listener isn’t as far along in the journey, they are going to be uncomfortable or offended. Or consider them some kind of sex-crazy freak.

As with all things sex, a key is getting consent to proceed. Clear, genuine and ideally enthusiastic consent. It’s more comfortable initially to talk about ideas generally, or things outside one’s direct experience: “I heard this fascinating thing about sex on a podcast yesterday – can I tell you about it?” rather than “last night having sex this thing happened – can I tell you?”. In the latter you are asking them to mentally picture you doing the deed.

Sensitivity to your listener is also needed. If you're talking with someone who is going through a breakup and you're in the first flush of lust with a new partner, your friend probably doesn't want to hear about the epic sex you're having...

You may be thinking: “but I’m not bothered that I don't talk about sex with my friends. I’m happy on my own learning journey and they can go on theirs if they want to. Those things can be self-contained – no need to risk embarrassing anyone.”

But here’s the thing: your friends could be holding great gems of wisdom which would hugely benefit your sex life. Something you could try; reassurance you’re normal; a perspective that’s new to you and you could learn from or be inspired by. All that turns back on them too: things for them to try, reassurance and new perspectives.

You could also bond more, laugh more, and become closer as friends through intimate sharing.

I admit these concerns have held and still do hold me back in some ways.

As a sex coach there is an extra level in that I don’t want friends to think I am critiquing them, comparing them to clients, talking down to them, or judging them if they don’t want to talk. But I have one particular friendship where this topic opened right up after that friend did the first Passion8 Programme, and it’s wonderful to have someone to message and talk to about it so freely.

It’s chat about sex, but it’s not ‘sexy chat’. I think this is another thing which holds us back… We are conditioned to think that anything around the topic of sex will turn us on. Talking about sex with a friend will bring a sexual energy into that moment which isn’t ‘appropriate’ to share other than with a sexual partner.

But when we treat the topic quite matter-of-factly, it usually isn’t a turn-on. It’s fascinating and can be hilarious, or a relief, or emotional, or deeply moving. But if sexual energy does come into that moment and it is a turn-on? It doesn’t mean you’re going to suddenly fancy that friend and try to make a move on them. Instead you’ll channel that energy into yourself or your intimate partner later on.

What I see with my clients and Passion8 Programme members, is that the more we bring the topic of sex into our lives outside the bedroom, and the more comfortable we become with this, the better sex we have.

Is there someone in your friendship group you can imagine being closer to in this way? What might be the benefits to the friendship and to your sex lives?

If you already have someone you’re open with, have you shared how much you value that? If not, why not message them now, and let them know how much you value that.

A vital part of helping society shift the damaging stigma around sex is for us all to start talking more.

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