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  • Writer's pictureRuth Ramsay

Bringing your unique skill-set to the bedroom

Have you ever thought about how your life experiences outside the bedroom, can help you in it?

My own life experience is an important pillar of my coaching business – even though I was taught it shouldn't be. When I was studying to be a coach, I was taught one should never reveal details of oneself or one’s own life to a client. The coach must hold up a metaphorical mirror to the client, to see their own life more clearly. 

But when I started coaching around sex, I quickly discovered my life experience made people feel comfortable talking with me. In fact my very first client – responsible for my lightbulb moment that coaching people about sex was even possible – told me she felt comfortable specifically because she knew about my past as a striptease artist and erotic campaigner. “I know you won’t judge or slut-shame me or be shocked by anything I say.”

Then an early client was telling me how she’d love to go to a kinky party and specifically named one, Torture Garden – but then added “but I know I am far too old.” I was able to tell her “I’ve been to that event over 25 times – I danced there for a couple of years – and I can tell you for sure you are absolutely NOT too old!”. Her face lit up. My first-hand knowledge helped her reframe what was possible for her.

A pole dance at a latex fashion show
Ruth pole dancing

(Photo: Ruth dancing up the pole as part of a latex fashion show at kink club Torture Garden)

So I learnt to selectively open up, where I felt it would be in service to my client or audience for me to do so. In talking openly about aspects of my life which cultural convention would have me keep secret, I am also modelling that it’s ok to talk about these topics without shame.

Fast-forward three years, and I was on a discovery call with a potential client who had attended my Exploring Your Fantasies workshop recently. They told me they had had a discovery call with an academically highly qualified sexologist, “but she had no life experience in the area my partner and I want to explore. I know you have, so that makes me feel much more comfortable talking to you.”

I always keep in mind that my experience is specific to me, and not to make assumptions about others’ experiences. But the fact I’ve ‘been there’ (and still ‘go there’) reassures people greatly.

So my life experience in the sexual world certainly helps when I am coaching. But have you ever thought about how your life experience – but this time I am talking outside of the bedroom – might help you in it?

There are experiences you’ve had and skills you possess which you could utilise in your sex life. But quite possibly you don’t: maybe because you feel so rigidly constrained by culture rules on how you ‘should’ act during sex that you’ve never brought your authentic self into the bedroom; or you’ve simply never thought about it in a conscious constructive way.

Let’s do so now!

Think over your life experience and what you are most proud of, or what you are aware you are good at. Can you bring those skills consciously into the bedroom?

  • Are you great at seeing both sides of a situation and mediating when friends fall out? Can that skill help you have that tricky-feeling conversation about sex with a partner?

  • Maybe you are great at researching and planning trips – where to go, where to stay, what to do. Can you plan an erotic trip, be that alone, with a friend or a lucky special someone? I've heard the Erotic Museum Of Lisbon is well worth a visit...

  • If you are skilled at meditating and sinking into an altered state of consciousness, can you use that same ability to connect more deeply to your body in sex?

  • Are you the person in your friendship group who is always suggesting new restaurants and activities? When did you last bring that curiosity to your sex life?

  • Maybe you are super-sociable and love being in a crowd and thriving off others’ energy: could you use that confidence to go to a sex party or a kink event or a sexy convention or show, to see what you learn from being in a space with others’ sexual energy?

  • If you are a great spokesperson for justice and making sure everyone’s needs are served fairly, can you bring that to the bedroom to ensure your own needs are served?

I invite you to choose a skill you shine in, and plan how to bring that into your sexual life over the next month... and enjoy the results. Let me know how you get on!

Ruth Ramsay signoff
With passion, Ruth

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