'Compassionate consent' or 'compassionate celibacy'?

There is a route out, but it takes bravery

Often my coaching clients come to me wanting to fix what they describe as a 'sexless' relationships, or one where sexual interaction is infrequent.

Usually this is one partner reaching out to me having not yet discussed it with the other. They tell me they love, like and respect their partner more than anyone else in the world, have a wonderful life together, and don’t want to split up… but the lack of sex is making them deeply unhappy. Either because they crave it and aren’t getting it, or because they are never up for it and feel hugely guilty about costing their partner pleasure. Often they’ll tell me they fear that in the longer term, this will cause an irreparable rift in the relationship.

A big repercussion I see in this situation is a lack of intimacy overall – each partner worrying that a kiss or hug will be misinterpreted as a sexual initiation. This is to be feared as it’s likely to lead to tension, cold-shouldering or an argument. So though they want to touch, they avoid it. It’s not talked about so each thinks the other is not wanting affection. They sit apart on the sofa, touch-starved, both longing for a hug but both too scared to reach out. It’s heart-breaking – and it’s this which ultimately leads to the relationship breaking down.

Sometimes, sex is happening but the more sexually forward partner worries the other is just going along with it to please them. Or sex isn’t happening and the sexually reluctant partner is hyper-aware that the other is missing out. An eloquent client put this perfectly to me the other day, describing the options in their marriage as feeling like “Compassionate consent, or compassionate celibacy”.

If this is you and you want your relationship to last, you HAVE to be brave and talk about it. I know it’s hard but there is honestly no other way that I have seen work. Whether through coaching, or if there’s trauma in the past to resolve then through therapy, or through a process of education together. These routes require financial investment and personal discomfort to varying degrees, but to be really blunt: it’s much cheaper and less painful than a divorce.

My TEDx talk Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes has helped couples around the globe to open the conversation about their sex lives. It has been viewed nearly 3.5 million times and I’ve had so many messages from couples for whom it has proved a turning point.

If you haven’t seen it – or haven’t for some time – I invite you to give it a watch here

I hadn’t re-watched it for over a year, but did so in prep for my panel appearance at IdeasFest. I had forgotten how powerful it is.

If it fills you with a sense of possibility and hope book a discovery call with me here (free 20 minute chat about your current situation and whether coaching might help).

You don’t have to stay in the compassionately consenting / compassionately celibate loop. I have worked with many couples who have stepped out of that loop, designing a mutually happy new sexual relationship together. It is not going to ‘just happen’ - you do have to take a leap. But who better to do that with, than the person you love, like and respect more than anyone else in the world.

Ruth