Men's mental health: Imagine if all the men in the world...
- Ruth Ramsay
- Jun 12
- 5 min read
Imagine if every man in the world was experiencing nourishing, playful, deeply connected sex - how might the world be different? It’s Men’s Mental Health Week next week and we will be seeing a lot in the press about male loneliness and isolation; crises around the meaning of ‘masculinity’; the pressures men feel to ‘perform and provide’; the damage done by the persistent rules to not show emotion... What we likely won’t see discussed is the deep relationship between these issues and men’s sexual struggles. As a sex coach this is baffling to me.
All these topics show up in the bedroom. I see them again and again with my heterosexual male clients.
There’s the self-fulfilling prophesy of performance worries exacerbating performance issues. Stress outside the bedroom creating stress inside the bedroom. Confusion as to how to ‘be a man’ in the current sexual world. Sex not actually being very enjoyable when it happens. The belief that asking for help is an admission of failure.
There are new concerns that didn’t exist a few years ago: about unintentional consent violations (don’t get me wrong, this concern needs to exist – but men aren’t getting the education and support they need to address it) and about the ever-more-extreme acts seen in porn.
For men in midlife, add in pressures and worries around health and ageing, and the spike in married women initiating divorces in this age group. It’s no surprise that The Samaritans charity reports that middle age is the most common age for male suicide in the UK.
It’s very hard to measure the impact of sexual wellbeing and performance concerns as a contributing factor to suicide. However researching this article I found calls from experts for suicide screening to be included in urology departments when supporting men with sexual function concerns, and a study reporting a fall in male suicide rates in midlife men when the active ingredient in Viagra went off-label and became affordable. Sexual prowess is viewed as a foundational part of ‘What it means to be a man’ around the world; in a study in India, 14 per cent of men attending a clinic for sexual function issues said they had considered suicide because of these issues. [Links to the above references at bottom of page.]
To me as a sex coach (and before this as a stripper and lapdancer), hearing men’s honest truths day-in day-out, it seems incomprehensible that we are not talking about sex when we talk about men’s mental health.
It takes a hell of a lot for a man step forward for support. Many men who reach out to me for coaching are desperate, foreseeing that their relationship is under threat because of their disappointing sex life.
They tell me how they are scared to show up authentically in bed, sharing their desires and interests, for fear their partner will react with judgement, shock or disgust. They are caught up in an anxiety spiral that their body doesn’t ‘perform’ well enough, meaning it’s less likely to next time. Their performance parameters are defined by porn, not by any understanding of biology or arousal science. They have never talked with their partner about sex.
I get no-shows on discovery call bookings – time-wasters who never intended to show up… or genuine guys whose shame and nerves got the better of them? I’m always kind in follow-up emails and make clear my door is still open. In one case a man got in touch again almost two years later, finally feeling able to talk to me.
Sometimes men open up but then I never hear from them again. I still think about one middle-aged man - someone immensely successful, at the peak of his profession, I recognised his name immediately - who cried floods of tears throughout his discovery call. He seemed very keen on coaching… but then I never heard from him again, despite sending follow-up emails. That was 18 months ago and I still hope he gets back in touch.
Even within safe spaces attended by emotionally intelligent men, opening up about sex is a struggle. Richard Stokes, a leadership coach and former client of mine, runs men’s groups in-person in Ibiza and online (catch me on his podcast The Mojo Podcast, where he is open about having had coaching with me, by clicking here). He recently mentioned to me that a group of two years’ standing is only just starting to open up about how they feel around intimate relationships, and even then the conversation does not move to explicit topics.
Meanwhile, my episode on The Middle Man Podcast earlier this year is the most-listened-to of its season, according to host Paul Sutton – click here to listen. Men seem incredibly keen for knowledge on this topic… but a grand total of one listener has actually reached out to enquire about my support.
This reluctance to seek support is understandable but frustrating, especially given the astoundingly positive - and quick - results men and couples get from working with me. If the shame around seeking such support could be eradicated, I believe myself and my fellow sex coaches and therapists could seriously change the world in a short space of time.
For those who do work with me, I educate on what’s normal in terms of sexual functioning. I support them in connecting to their own sexual selves and their pleasure, as well as around pleasing a partner. I encourage them to view sex as a space for play and authenticity rather than a space of performance. I get them to take the focus off their penis and create a mindset that the whole body is a sexual playground. I help them lose their embarrassment around their interests and fantasies. And crucially I help them communicate with their partners.
For a first step towards change (that doesn’t involve you having to get on a call with me) check out my two sex-life-changing online workshops – Better Sex For Men, and How To Please A Woman In Bed – in one package, at www.ruthramsay.com/expand . In honour of Men’s Mental Health Week take 30 per cent off with code EXPAND-30-MMHW until the end of next week (midnight Sunday 21 June).
What if a key route for supporting men with their mental health is through supporting them with their sexual wellbeing? The first step is to loosen the taboo around the topic. In honour of Men’s Mental Health Week, is there a man you can forward this email to? A friend, a sibling, a partner, a son? Maybe you are not comfortable to talk to them about sex, but I and similar professionals are. We need you to be that bridge, to let them know there’s help available and it’s ok to need it.
I’ll say it again: imagine if every man in the world was experiencing nourishing, playful, deeply connected and authentic sex - how might the world be different...?
Ruth
‘Sildenafil and suicide in Sweden’ -
‘Risk factors for suicidality and mental health complaints among men with sexual dysfunction’ - https://academic.oup.com/jsm/a...
‘Correlations of suicidality in men with psychogenic sexual dysfunction’ https://www.medrxiv.org/conten...
