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Come with me on a sex coaching journey: Katherine

Follow how Katherine, 47, moves from a sex life that was “dull, awkward and formulaic” to one which is “passionate, connected and fun”.


Ever wondered what a sex coaching journey actually looks like? Below I share (with consent, and identifying details changed) a coaching journey with a client. Follow how Katherine moves from a sex life that was “dull, awkward and formulaic” to one which is “passionate, connected and fun”.


Each journey starts with a discovery call, where I find out more about my potential client and their situation, and assess whether coaching is right for them, and now the right time. Two days before each coaching session I ask for an update on thoughts, goals and what the client would like to explore in the session. And midway between sessions I check in by email on progress and answer questions, give mindset tips, and share any extra relevant resources.


Ruth Ramsay sex coach wears dark blue shirt and denim jeans, and sits casually with a welcoming posture, on a brown sofa in a spacious living room. She holds a mug of tea.

Katherine, 47, is a mum to a 19 year old who recently left home for university, and a 15 year old. She’s been married to William, 51, since she was 26, and with him since she was 23.


DISCOVERY CALL

Katherine is interested in coaching as she has realised how much she and her husband have grown apart sexually, and is worried about their future. She saw my TEDx talk and felt my approach could work for her – the talk made her feel relaxed and hopeful and “like there could be light at the end of the tunnel”.


She had imagined they would find their way back to each other once their daughters were growing up, but they only have sex two or three times a year, when drunk, and don’t talk about it. When the kids were small she had zero desire for sex and turned William down so often, he stopped initiating. They are ‘good friends’ and communicate well… but not about sex.


Now she’s finding that she is curious to get her sex life back on track – helped, she suspects, by recently going on HRT for perimenopause symptoms - but has no idea how to talk to him about it, whether he’s even interested, and whether she dare open the Pandora’s box of interests and curiosities she’s always hidden…


She wants sex to be Passionate, Connected and Fun. Currently it’s “dull, awkward, formulaic.”

We establish she’s a good candidate for coaching, and that she has the time to devote to the coaching journey over the coming 2-3 months.



WEEK ONE

I send Katherine an introductory workbook - It Starts With You: Creating The Mindset For Erotic Transformation – to help her move into the most beneficial mindset for coaching and get clear on her goals. She shares with me that these are: to discover what makes her tick sexually; to reconnect with her body; and to open the conversation with William, which means getting comfortable with talking about sex.

 

COACHING SESSION 1 (week two): FAMILIES, FANTASIES AND FEARS

First we talk through what Katherine learnt from the exercises in It Starts With You. Then we talk through what she learnt from her parents about how a woman and mother ‘should’ be sexually, and she realises she’s been replaying that with William. She knew from first-meeting they would get married and hid her past from him – a racy few years at university which still form the basis of some of her fantasies, of which she is ashamed.


We explore the lessons and benefits of those adventurous years, and how fantasies aren’t literally what we want to come true, but can reveal useful information about our turn-ons. I will send her my dedicated workshop on Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies so she can explore this more.


We talk through her sexual life with William before the kids and how it was “satisfying but dull”. She didn’t fake orgasms, finding she could cum with some help from fantasising. We talk about their sex life since the children and she reflects on how she distanced herself from sex, being exhausted with childcare, but never spoke about it with William. She gets emotional thinking how he may have interpreted her withdrawal, and how she turned away from all physical intimacy for fear of turning him on.


She says she that while “not rip-his-clothes-off attracted to him” she can imagine having good sex with him; but she is fearful he’s no longer interested. We explore these fears and best/worst case scenarios.

She says she will speak to William about this coaching sooner than she thought she would – at the moment he doesn’t know about it. We plan together how and when she can raise the topic.


She is keen to take my Understanding Your Erotic Mind workshop to begin to learn more about herself. After the session I set up access to this and to the Fantasies workshop, and send an email round-up of main points from the session, asking her to reflect on her main takeaways from the session.

 

COACHING SESSION 2 (week four): FASCINATING AND FUN

Katherine found the Fantasies workshop reassuring and liberating, and could spot themes of risk, danger, intense passion and a degree of kink in hers. In the Understanding Your Erotic Mind workshop, the Peak Experiences exercise also revealled these themes. She uncovered limiting beliefs around the role of a wife and mother, also that she shouldn’t take the lead, that orgasm must be the aim of sex, and that toys should not be necessary. We created action points to take her towards loosening these beliefs. Her Erotic Blueprints are Energetic and Kinky – she enjoyed this quiz.


She tells me she’s finding thinking about and learning about sex fascinating and fun. She is remembering she used to be sexually curious as a young woman. She is realising to what degree she shut this off after meeting William, and we work through some sadness and guilt around that.


Thinking about her younger self is making her realise she should have talked about sex more with her daughter who is now at university, whom she had considered “too young to know”. She says she will initiate a conversation about sexual pleasure, consent and safety. I recommend some resources. I will share my Consent Is Key workshop, for her to watch, and share with her daughter if she likes.


Since session one, Katherine has told William she’s having some “midlife coaching, including around intimacy” but not explicitly that it is sex coaching. He reacted positively. They agreed they would start holding hands again, without any pressure or expectation.


She only watched Understanding Your Erotic Mind shortly before this session, and plans to tell William about it. She will book some time this weekend with him. She asks to see my Let’s Talk About Sex workshop.

After the session I set up access to Let’s Talk About Sex, Consent Is Key, and a round-up of points from the session.


COACHING SESSION 3 (week seven): BEING BUSY AND BUYING TOYS

Katherine busts into the session wanting to tell me about the conversations with her older daughter and with William. Both went well.


After the chat with William they had the most intimate, connected sex in years. But they tried again a few nights later and he didn’t get as hard an erection as he wanted to, and then lost it all-together. She’s worried what this means as it never happened before.


Katherine and I talk through ‘erectile unpredictabilty’ in men’s midlife, the opportunities it offers, and how she can best approach it. She didn’t know it was normal for a man beyond his 30s to need physical touch to get hard, and will tell him so, too. I recommend a book on this topic, and suggest he may want to do a general health check with the family doctor if he’s not had one recently.


William has watched my TEDx talk and done the blueprints exercise – he’s a Sensual. I ease Katherine’s concern that they can’t fit as they are so different. We come up with scenarios that can satisfy their blueprints.


She says that despite only one child at home now they are still very busy. We look at the benefits of prioritising sexual time, and how she and William can create that time.


Katherine shares a fear that she and William might start having regular sex again but that it might be dull, like before. This makes her determined to make the most of the opportunity that exists to shake things up now. We discuss how the ‘sex as a hobby approach’ can work, which William was enthusiastic about, and what she may be interested in exploring.


She’s curious about sex toys, having never tried them, but worried she “will get addicted”. We discuss how not to let that happen and I share my first-time toy tips. I show her a Womanizer. We talk about how to choose a toy, where to shop, and about body-safe lube.


She says she’s loving these sessions and never dreamt she could feel so comfortable talking about sex.

Katherine warns me she has a very busy few weeks coming up. I don’t set much homework, but tell her she can William can have access to my How To Please A Woman In Bed workshop when they like.


I send a follow up email of main points, plus links to the books, toys, lubes and toy websites I recommend. I also send a short workbook of coaching exercises to help understand where her time goes and how she can fit sexual playtime into that.


Having a busy time with a family holiday and a work deadline, Katherine postpones our next session two weeks, emailing to say she feels embarrassed she’s not made more progress. I reassure her that sex ebbs and flows naturally and ask, are she and William touching more? She says yes, and that they have had good sex three times since we last spoke. She asks for access to How To Please as a way to get back on track. William has been to his GP for an over-50s health check and his results are all healthy.


COACHING SESSION 4 (week eleven): PLEASED BOTH IN THE BEDROOM AND OUT

Katherine tells me she and William watched How To Please A Woman In Bed together and loved it. Encouraged by that they went toy shopping online. William has confided that says how he bought her a vibrator years ago but became too shy to give it to her.


They have an epic sexy weekend with the youngest child away, try the toy, and she has a deeper orgasm than she’s had before. “I didn’t know there was more to it – I thought an orgasm was an orgasm and that was it!” she tells me. She and William talked about their sex lives from from before they met with details that they never told each other before. She tells me there were tears, emotions, laughter… and passion.

In a twist, it emerges he thought maybe she had been faking orgasms in their sex life before, but didn’t dare ask as he was fearful of the answer.


They have pledged to make this a new beginning to their intimate life together. William has asked Katerine to pass on his profound thanks to me. I say I’ll create a Couples workbook so they can set intentions together that they can return to if they start to drift off-track, and add some of my favourite coaching exercises for couples.


She realises part of sex being dull before was that her mind wanders easily. I share my two favourite exercises for mindfulness in sex.


She shares that they are both realising they are not as fit as they used to be and have decided to start an exercise regime together. Also that they are communicating better in day to day life and their daughter has commented on them laughing together.


Katherine wonders how far her kinky side goes, and we talk about sex clubs and kink clubs. She wants to know my experiences especially as a woman in my 40s. She doesn’t think she is ready for events yet, but I give her some general resources. She will book a future session around this if she feels it would be beneficial, and I tell her about my Your First Party workshop.


She asks what resources I would recommend for her to share with her 15 year old and I make some recommendations.


At the end of the session we assess, is sex looking more Passionate, Connected and Fun? Yes, more than she’d have imagined possible in just a couple of months, and with so much more to explore.


After the session I create and send a bespoke couples workbook. I email a round-up of main points and resources. I invite her to reflect on her main lessons from her coaching journey. She replies to me that:


“Sex is something to have fun with, not to fear; I can be more open with my husband than I ever dreamt; improving our shared life in the bedroom has a wonderful effect outside the bedroom; and being able to talk about sex with my daughters feels like breaking damaging old family taboos.”


I promise will check in with Katherine in a month’s time, and say we can set up ongoing monthly check-ins if that would be helpful. She says let’s see how she and William get on over the next month. She thanks me profusely and says her eleven-week coaching journey has been the best investment she’s ever made in herself and her marriage.


I send a final follow up email of points and resources and congratulate her on her coaching journey.


Curious to see where a coaching journey could take you? Contact me providing an outline of your situation and then let's set up a discovery call.

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